hanging on for dear life

there are times when i feel like i'm hanging on for dear life... when i feel like i'm slowly losing oxygen and i can barely catch my breath... when the pain i feel in my chest was too much, it seems it would explode any second... when every nerve in my brain is going haywire and the plates in my skull are contracting to each other...

but somehow, since i've experienced those feelings too many times, i know i'll get over them soon enough...

i am thankful for every blessing i received in my life, esp those i haven't recognized... i had enough of these blessings to get me through every trial and pain...

i'm ready for anything... even my own death... i know that God had given me a fruitful life and i lived it to the best that i can... i still have regrets... things i shouldn't have done because they caused pain to other people and to me... things i should have done for myself... but i lived... i loved...

Cause and effect

I had always been dumbfounded with the realization that one person can affect me so much, in ways I cannot understand. Why?!!! After all these years (almost 4 now), I had very little interaction with him. He left without a word and yet he has this hold on me that is beyond my comprehension. Last year, he came back. It started with an update in my fb stat about the restoration of my phone number. I lost my old phone along with its contact infos. Anyway, it started with a simple yahoo message and after 2 mos. we started seeing each other. I simply greeted him on his birthday and that conversation turned into something big (and wrong). We had a relationship that shouldn't have started in the first place. It was a BIG mistake and like any mistake, the ending will be ugly. And that's what happened.

I really want to forget the September - December of my 2010. I was in a really bad depression last year. Right after my bday, I had to go to Puerto Galera (alone) to find some peace and quiet. 3 days and 2 nights of solitude. Away from everyone. My family thought I was with friends, but none of my friends knew where I was. I was feeling so bad (believe me, I was almost suicidal). Not because I feel hopeless with the situation, but because the pain I was feeling in my chest was unbearable. The pain was so intense, it became too physical. Anyway, I survived that horrible period of my life.

We both moved on. So I thought. Last month, he added me in his fb friends list (I deleted him in mine, even in YM and my phonebook). I want to erase every trace of him in my life. I pretended nothing happened. That I don't remember anything about him. I had to delete that piece of my memory, to survive. To survive. Initially, I ignored his invitation. But he sent another invitation which I accepted. I waited an entire day, hoping that he would somehow say something. That somehow he had an explanation of what happened. Why we did what we did and why he took off just like that. I had to insist to myself that I should accept that, for him, what we had was NOTHING. I have to accept that fact, no matter how much it hurt. I sent him a message (an angry one) because it's my governing feeling towards him. I didn't get the reply I was hoping for. And so I have delete him again. And start the "forgetting" process again.

I had been in love with this person since June of 2006. That's almost 5 years! But not anymore. I don't love him any more. I miss him and the things we did. I miss looking at his face and making him feel how I feel for him. I want to be there when he realizes his dream, when he achieves his plans. But all that is over now. OVER!

But, I am still affected by him. After reading his blog yesterday, I felt so bad. He never mentioned a thing about me during our mba days. His only mention of anything related to me is a blog entry on the lyrics of the song Crazy for you. He sang that song during our party. He said that it was for me, that his performance was for me. But then, the title of his blog entry was "Really Crazy". He also mentioned that the song reminded him of something. Not even a someone, but a something. I don't know what to make of it but I guess anyone who would read this blog would say that there simply was nothing between us. That he never had any feelings for me. Painful but true.

I'm writing this blog, to put on record who and what caused my pain. It's over now. I have to repeat that over and over again. I should never forget that. It was a mistake. A mistake that I should be thankful that it's over now. Things could have been uglier. A mistake I will forever bring in my conscience. I hope someday, I could forgive myself for giving in to my feelings and ignoring what was right. I should remember that all that started as a mistake will end as a bigger mistake.

The cause is over now. I just hope the effect will also end soon.

Reviving my blogsite

after 3 years of being dormant, I will be reviving my blogsite. the topics of the blogs will vary from random thoughts, to serious political/economic and social issues, to personal "love" issues (my favorite topic, etc.

a lot has happened already since the start of 2011 and hopefully I will be able to capture the events as much as possible. 'til my next blog!

My summer 2008

Summer isn't over and yet a lot of things had happened.
1. I finished and passed my MBA comprehensive exam.
2. I went to Kuala Lumpur and Singapore with my MBA friends.
3. I had dinner with a "special person in the past" and during the dinner, he told me that he's getting married and that his fiance is pregnant with his son. (at that time he didn't know he's having a boy). The devastation i felt was almost unbearable. It was one of the saddest and most unexpected event of my summer and my year.
3. I spent my holy week in Cebu with a friend from the office hoping that I can revive my spirit from the event (item 3) of the previous week.
4. I went to Quezon with my family.
5. I, together with 4 other mba friends, have finally put up our own consultancy and trading company. Though the papers aren't finished, we're getting there. Our very own office just needs some more furnishings and is almost finished.
6. I became a ninang to my 15th inaanak.
7. I attended a beautiful wedding of a close friend (the 3rd from my closest college barkada, both bride and groom are my good friends) in Tagaytay. Though I was supposed to sing for the offertory during the mass, we (together with the mass readers), were late, thus, we were not able to fulfill our roles. I hope one day, we can make-up for what we did (or did not do).
8. I finally graduated my 3-year post-graduate studies: MBA. It was so fulfilling that after everything that had happened in the past, I managed to finish my MBA. Through my own blood and sweat, and of course the love and support of my family and friends, and the grace of our Lord, I did it!
9. My good friend from highschool just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. (inggit na nman ako!)
10. The mother of one of my batchmates from college relly challenged my patience. I just hope that she finds peace with what she's done.
11. I started my French classes. Finally, I found the time and space in my brains to squeeze in some lessons in foreign language.
12. Ex-special person (from another planet), called and we had fight. Round 1 goes to me! haha...
13. I, together with my friends and business partners from MBA, went to Isabela for a 3-day, 3-night trip. I must have taken a "happy drug" during that trip 'coz since then, I still have this hangover of "happiness". I will make another blog for this trip.
14. Ex-special person (from another planet), called again. I gave him the response! And this round goes to me again! haha...
15. I spent a weekend with my family in Linden Suites. It was great spending some quiet time with them. I also met new friends from HR who are videoke addicts and they knew how to have fun.
16. Happy tuesday...
17. I will be going to Anilao this Saturday and Sunday to do some diving with my officemates. yippee! i'm so excited!

That's it for now! (as of 22 May, 7:03pm)

New Game for Girls

Dress Up Games for girls. Fashion and makeover games

Feast One Hundred & Seventy Three

Appetizer
Name 2 things you would like to accomplish in 2008.

1. To renovate the kitchen
2. To travel abroad

Soup
With which cartoon character do you share personality traits?

Mickey Mouse

Salad
What time of day (or night) were you born?

9am

Main Course
Tell us something special about your hometown.

It's smack in the middle of Metro Manila

Dessert
If you could receive a letter from anyone in the world, who would you want to get one from?

Maya Angelou

Post-birthday blog

First of all, I am thankful for where I am right now. I have more blessings than I deserve. This birthday (the day itsself) came by so fast and Iwas frantic the entire day because of all the things that needs to be done. However, I am also glad that it made me realize all the important things. There will always be people who would be happy for me and would wish me well. And that is more than enough. I am grateful for all the love and second chances God has given me. Things are the way they are because of my choices and decisions. They may not be always right (I'm telling you I did lots of wrong decisions) and yet things will always fall where they ought to be. I can't help but be saddened sometimes because of one particular reason. That the person still is very special in my heart is not with me, to greet me and spend my birthday with me. I don't for how long I would miss him and would have this urge of calling him and asking him to come back. But it's not important anymore because I have to move on and live the life I deserve.

The past year had been really really tough especially the months of September and October. But I survived and I am much stornger and focused now. I will remain hopeful. I will remain hopeful. =)