I had always been dumbfounded with the realization that one person can affect me so much, in ways I cannot understand. Why?!!! After all these years (almost 4 now), I had very little interaction with him. He left without a word and yet he has this hold on me that is beyond my comprehension. Last year, he came back. It started with an update in my fb stat about the restoration of my phone number. I lost my old phone along with its contact infos. Anyway, it started with a simple yahoo message and after 2 mos. we started seeing each other. I simply greeted him on his birthday and that conversation turned into something big (and wrong). We had a relationship that shouldn't have started in the first place. It was a BIG mistake and like any mistake, the ending will be ugly. And that's what happened.
I really want to forget the September - December of my 2010. I was in a really bad depression last year. Right after my bday, I had to go to Puerto Galera (alone) to find some peace and quiet. 3 days and 2 nights of solitude. Away from everyone. My family thought I was with friends, but none of my friends knew where I was. I was feeling so bad (believe me, I was almost suicidal). Not because I feel hopeless with the situation, but because the pain I was feeling in my chest was unbearable. The pain was so intense, it became too physical. Anyway, I survived that horrible period of my life.
We both moved on. So I thought. Last month, he added me in his fb friends list (I deleted him in mine, even in YM and my phonebook). I want to erase every trace of him in my life. I pretended nothing happened. That I don't remember anything about him. I had to delete that piece of my memory, to survive. To survive. Initially, I ignored his invitation. But he sent another invitation which I accepted. I waited an entire day, hoping that he would somehow say something. That somehow he had an explanation of what happened. Why we did what we did and why he took off just like that. I had to insist to myself that I should accept that, for him, what we had was NOTHING. I have to accept that fact, no matter how much it hurt. I sent him a message (an angry one) because it's my governing feeling towards him. I didn't get the reply I was hoping for. And so I have delete him again. And start the "forgetting" process again.
I had been in love with this person since June of 2006. That's almost 5 years! But not anymore. I don't love him any more. I miss him and the things we did. I miss looking at his face and making him feel how I feel for him. I want to be there when he realizes his dream, when he achieves his plans. But all that is over now. OVER!
But, I am still affected by him. After reading his blog yesterday, I felt so bad. He never mentioned a thing about me during our mba days. His only mention of anything related to me is a blog entry on the lyrics of the song Crazy for you. He sang that song during our party. He said that it was for me, that his performance was for me. But then, the title of his blog entry was "Really Crazy". He also mentioned that the song reminded him of something. Not even a someone, but a something. I don't know what to make of it but I guess anyone who would read this blog would say that there simply was nothing between us. That he never had any feelings for me. Painful but true.
I'm writing this blog, to put on record who and what caused my pain. It's over now. I have to repeat that over and over again. I should never forget that. It was a mistake. A mistake that I should be thankful that it's over now. Things could have been uglier. A mistake I will forever bring in my conscience. I hope someday, I could forgive myself for giving in to my feelings and ignoring what was right. I should remember that all that started as a mistake will end as a bigger mistake.
The cause is over now. I just hope the effect will also end soon.
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