Post-birthday blog

First of all, I am thankful for where I am right now. I have more blessings than I deserve. This birthday (the day itsself) came by so fast and Iwas frantic the entire day because of all the things that needs to be done. However, I am also glad that it made me realize all the important things. There will always be people who would be happy for me and would wish me well. And that is more than enough. I am grateful for all the love and second chances God has given me. Things are the way they are because of my choices and decisions. They may not be always right (I'm telling you I did lots of wrong decisions) and yet things will always fall where they ought to be. I can't help but be saddened sometimes because of one particular reason. That the person still is very special in my heart is not with me, to greet me and spend my birthday with me. I don't for how long I would miss him and would have this urge of calling him and asking him to come back. But it's not important anymore because I have to move on and live the life I deserve.

The past year had been really really tough especially the months of September and October. But I survived and I am much stornger and focused now. I will remain hopeful. I will remain hopeful. =)

hell months: September & October

for almost 2 months, i've been pushing myself to move and continue with my life. i only have myself to convince that I will get through this. that no matter what happen, I will get through. that this period will finally be over and that goos things will eventually happen. that i will be able to appreciate all the bad things that have happened because when it's time for me to be happy, it's gonna be all worth it.

i know the answers to most of my questions. why? because my faith never weakened. He had been my only source of strength in getting through all these. i havent cried and for the longest time, i've been putting a smile behind the pain. i have to be strong, i said to myself. and i believe i am. but i don't know how much more i have to bear. what more can happen before i see the light. i know i still can but for how long. it's the waiting that's killing me!

gusto kong magalit, gusto kong umiyak, gusto kong magreklamo, gusto kong may pumansin sa kin, gusto kong ako naman ang inaasikaso.

im tired...

i am so tired. of so many things. i just wish for a break. kahit 2days lang. please...

that was exhilirating...

let me start my blog by saying sorry to my friends... i know na pagagalitan nyo na nman ako for being stupid, hopelessly crazy and committing the same mistake over and over again. you know me naman and i dont easily give up on love. corny man pakinggan but it's the truth. i don't easily get over my most recent past. why? i wish i knew.

i wrote to emile yesterday, professing my love and devotion to him after all these months. eeew... i know it sounds corny and irritating but what can i do? i love the guy. unfortunately!

but i'm thankful it happened. it felt good knowing that i have already gotten that out of my chest. now, i have nothing to hide. i really don't care what he would do about it. i just felt so relieved that i've finally done it and told him how i feeel. if ever i won't see him again, then it's ok. this may really be the end for us but it's ok since i know god has somebody else in store for me. i feel better knowing that i had been honest and brave. im glad i did it. =)

why?

i don't think this page is enough for me to put in all the why's in my life... but i will try.

this past weekend, i had been strongly thinking of texting emile and asking him to go out and talk. i don't know what happened. i just feel strongly drawn to the thought of talking to him. i wanted to talk to him and ask him about what happened. of course i won't beg him to come back even if i wanted him to come back. it's just not right forcing a person to do something he doesn't wanna do and painfully as it was, i have already accepted the fact that he doesn't want to come back. but i still believe that i have the right to at least know what happened. no matter how painful it was. even if he tells me that he wasn't really feeling anything real from the beginning, i can accept that. i have prepared myself for the worse. but all i wanted is to know the truth once and for all. i can only think of a million reasons but none of these may be true or whatever the truth is, i just wanted to hear it from him.

but last night, just when i saved a draft text message in my phone asking him if we can talk, he showed up in school. and he didn't even bother saying hi. damn! he said hi to a friend i was talking to. double damn! what is he trying to do? shove to my face that he's ok. i cannot understand him. i know he's an asshole but please explain to me why he's doing such? why? why?

i believe...

inspired by izzi of grey's anatomy.

i would like to believe. yes and it's a choice. it's a choice between giving in to the things in front of me and with what i want to believe inside me. yes you may question that the real thing is what i see but i choose not the facts but the things that would make me feel good. the things that will help me survive this. you might say that i am fooling myself. probably. and so? is that wrong? is choosing what i want to be real, wrong, if it will help me keep myself from breaking into pieces?

i believe that inspite of all the pain, all the heartaches, all the challenges that blocks our way, it will be fine. we will be fine. we will survive and i believe we will.

as expected..

my last blog was june 16. it has been a month and i thought things might have changed by now. after that fatefule (but expected) day, i though i will be wiser. well i think i did somehow. i didn't dare to text him or call him. after cancelling the dinner, "ei, can we resked? i still have errands to do." duh?!

i told myself for a hundred time that he is so not worth it. but damn i still love the guy... okay, okay. call me whatever you want. trust me, i heard that so many times from who else but me. i kept telling myself how stupid i am for loving him still. but what can i do?!

i know that he has some issues. im not saying this to defend him. what he did was unforgiveable. but im doing this for myself. because i hate hating. gets?! the emotional baggage i carry when i hate a person is more than i deserve. it hurts me more to fell anger expecially for a person who's dear to me.

so i decided not to hate him and everybody else who have hurt me. my prayers right now is that for him to realize (i dont know how, but God works in mysterious ways) that he has hurt me. i do hope that one day he could apologize and we could talk about what happened. like i said, im not mad at him anymore. it just saddens me a lot that things turned this way.

right now, i have to admit that i still love him and if only I am Bruce Almighty for one day, i would change his mind and make him come back.

sorry, but that's just how i feel.

no title... hmmm...

just a few days ago, i dared the undareable (if there's such a word). anyway, i texted him and surprise, he replied. so he is still using the same number. he just didnt want to answer my previous calls or reply to my messages. fine! i got the point! i gave him enough space to think and reflect on the events of the past.. hmmm i wonder what his reflections were. i don't want to make any assuymptions for him anymore. he's just too inconsistent. i give up!

did i? obviously, i didn't. i still made the first move to contact him and initiate communication. for the nth time! and yes he did agreed to go out. it should have been tonight but unfortunately he hasn't texted yet. why is that not a surprise?! he has billions of reasons for not being to reply so what the heck. i wont tire myself contemplating why. if he will cancel the meeting tonight, i will really swear (i know it's wrong). but i will really, really swear that he would have a miserable life. i can forgive only so much. i am not a saint. maybe a martyr but not a saint.

whatever... goodluck tonight!

stress...

it's been a while since i last posted and i miss blogging. even if i'm the only person here, i feel like this is my online journal. a world of my own.

i should have used STRESS as the title for this blog. i can't emphasize the word enough to define how stressed i am from everything that has been happening in my life. as in EVERYTHING. i wanted to scream on top of my lungs. i wanted to cry until i have no more tears to cry. but i can't do any of that. how i wish i could make myself cry but no hard i try, it is still too difficult for me to cry.

i love a person who doesn't love me back, who wouldn't speak to me and wouldn't allow me to love him. i wanted so much to be with this person but he wouldn't let me.

i am in a job torn by being thankful that im in my dream employer but in a job which stresses the hell out of me.

i am in a fmaily with too many problems and too few solutions. may my helplessness never turn to hoplessness any time soon.

i am studying for a masters degree which i'm not sure how it would contribute to the betterment of my current state. i am tiring myself for something i already lost interest to.

i am seeing my friends, successful and happy. as much as i am happy for them, cant help but ask myself why can't i have what they have?

but no... i will not let these stressors put me down. they will not stop from living my life the way i want. i love my God and He has never forsaken me. He never let go of my hand. He's always there to pull me up just when i'm letting myself sink to the bottom of my depressions. my God has provided me more than enough to be thankful and enjoy life.

my God will not leave me and neither do I. so to all my stressors, my faith will knock all of you out.

excerpts from: by the river piedra i sat down and wept

By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. There is a legend that everything that falls into the waters of this river-leaves, insects, the feathers of birds-is transformed into the rocks that make the riverbed. If only I could tear out my heart and hurl it into the current, then my pain and longing would be over, and I could finally forget. By the river Piedra I sat down and wept. The winter air chills the tears on my cheeks, and my tears fall into the cold waters that course past me. Somewhere, this river joins another, then another, until far from my heart and sight all of them merge with the sea. May my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day I cried for him. May my tears run just as far, that I might forget the River Piedra, the monastery, the church in the Pyrenees, the mists, and the paths we walked together. I shall forget the roads, the mountains, and the fields of my dreamsthe dreams that will never come true.

Feast One Hundred and Forty Two

Appetizer
Name something you would not want to own.
Anger

Soup
Describe your hair (texture, color, length, etc.).
Wavy black hair, a little below the shoulders.

Salad
Finish this sentence: I’ll never forget ___________.
the face of my baby.

Main Course
Which famous person would you like to be for one day? Why?
oprah. because her words possess so much power that if i could have it even for one day, i could help a lot of people.

Dessert
Write one sentence about yourself that includes one thing that is true and another thing that is not.
I love too much. (half of it is true and the other half is not. because as much as I love with all my heart, I couldn't show it enough)

excerpts from: by the river piedra i sat and wept...

But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.

Jesus = love & love = forgiveness

should i say more?

for most of the time, forgiveness is too difficult to give esp. if the person or the act was way too wrong... and we could always say that he/she doesn't deserve to be forgiven because they don't even admit their mistakes or haven't said sorry for the hurtful things they did.

but let me ask you this. who are we not to forgive? who are we to judge that this person does not deserve to be forgiven? who are we to say that we are right and he/she is wrong? aren't we all sinners? don't we all commit hurtful things in the eyes of our lord? and do we ask for forgiveness for each one of them? do we know (all the time) that we have committed that sin? do we ask for forgiveness for sins that even if we know, we are too proud to admit them?

we are only humans. we have limitations and if it's too difficult to forgive, admit the difficulty and ask for help from above. only He can grant you the grace and open your heart to be able to give forgiveness. remember, Jesus = love and love = forgive ness.

god bless!

getting over...

why is it so difficult to get over the lost of someone very important.. it's as if a part of myself was lost when that person left. i know there are numerous books and articles specifically detailing steps to do to get over losing someone. but why is it still so difficult? there are times when I thought I'm ok. there are times when I am thankful that the relationship has ended. there are times when I thought the pain is much easier to bear now because I had been in this situation before. but why does the pain still come back? why do i still miss him? why can't i forget the memories? why can't i stop wishing things go back the way they were before?

they say that the pain from losing someone doesn't really go away... you just feel numb with the pain that it becomes part of your daily life...
aaaawww... life sucks!

wasted...

just last week, the only thing in my mind was to party, be wild, get drunk and be wasted so i can forget what happened during the last few weeks. i got my wish. ha! little did i know that it was not the answer to my problem. little did i know that it would only make me feel more miserable (and shameful!) afterwards. little did i know that it would only make things worse. but i still am lucky to be surrounded by real friends who wouldn't leave me and carry me home after that embarassing moment of "wastedness". after my mind went blank for 3 to 5 seconds. it seemed such a short time but the after effects were not. i slept for 12 hours after that. something i havent done for a very long time. but then i also lost precious time to be with my family, clean my room and do my other responsibilities at home. aside from not being able to finish the work i took home and not being able to study for my subjects (which i need to do terribly).

i guess i've already graduated from the partying, from the non-stop smoking, from the flirting with nice-looking men (im sure most of them were gays), from drinking 5 to 8 kinds of drink in one nyt and from staying so late (or rather early the following morning). am i too old for such? or i have a different preference now of what's fun and what's not? whatever it is, i'm done. and for my three friends who were there during that incident, pls remind me next time to stay away from such conditions...

we move on...

this blog is influenced by a friend whom i missed so much...

wheew.. how old am i? 26? and yet the last 5yrs of my life (post-college) had been a rollercoaster and made me feel like a 40-yr old already. back in college, i thought things couldnt be more complicated. it was fun and yet difficult then but definitely nowhere compared with the experiences i had since 2002.

thanx to the people who have made me laugh, cry, mad and everything else in between. i know life can only get a little more complicated. done were those carefree days when I complain about how insufficient our allowances were. done were those days when I cry because my crush (whom I thought was the most important person on earth) didn't notice me. gone were the days when I curse my teachers for giving me grades which in my opinion I do not deserve.

this time things are for real. we experience joys and sorrows. we love and get betrayed. we meet new people to fill the gaps left by those who left. we move on..

on giving up...

there are times when we have to give up not because we feel hopeless and too tired to fight but because the choice to move on and fight for what we believe in is not ours anymore. in relationships, two people are involved. two people have the responsibility to work for the relationship. one cannot do it alone. it would not be fair for the both of them. it's a sad reality that sometimes, the reason for a breakup is the overwhelming fear of not being worthy enough for the person who loves you and that the day will come that he/she would realize the same and leave you. and so you would rather go the easy way out and give up that one person who loves you so much. that person who is willing to be there for you no matter what. that person who only wanted to make you happy. that person whom you may never realize are feeling the same fear. and yet risked everything to be with you.

loving is never easy. it's a risk we have to take. it's hurtful. but the journey is worth it.

i am giving up not because i want to. i want to hold on for as long as i can. but it would not be fair for the both of us to insist on something that you dont want.

"but baby before i let you go, i want to say i love you"